How often do we silence our own needs to fit in with others? Is this something that you find yourself doing time and time again? I must admit that I am guilty of this too. It’s so easy to go ‘along with the crowd,’ to agree with the general consensus, even when it goes against your own desires.
My husband and I recently visited our son, who is living in South Korea. We had a wonderful time, but it was extremely busy. Our son had some time off, so very generously took us sightseeing. We saw palaces, temples, markets, observatory towers, cafes, restaurants, festivals, bars, shops and a very different culture. We also ate some amazing food.
However we were tired. We needed a break and time to just do nothing. Our bodies were craving some ‘down time’ but we kept on pushing. I ended up with a throat infection so slowed down a little bit, but as soon as I felt better I got back on the treadmill.
I didn’t want to disappoint my son and daughter-in-law or her parents, who so generously offered to show us around. I didn’t want to disappoint my husband and take away from his enjoyment. So I compromised my own needs so that I would fit in. I didn’t want to hold others back and felt guilty if we had to alter our plans.
I kept ignoring my body until she spoke a bit louder. I began to experience pain in my achilles tendon and guessed that it was inflamed. I had a lot of trouble walking and was in a lot of pain. I compromised once again. When I really should have been resting, I applied cold packs and local anaesthetic patches and bought an elastic support for my ankle. ‘I will be fine,’ I told myself and kept on walking through the discomfort and pain. I wanted to fit in with other’s plans and not disappoint them.
How often do we silence our own needs to fit in with others? It’s so easy to do. Your friends want to party late but you are tired and want to go home. However you say yes, so that you are accepted and not judged. Society even has a name for this. A party pooper! Someone who spoils other people’s fun. You certainly don’t want that title so you give in. Your friends want to eat at a certain restaurant but it doesn’t cater for allergies and you have some. But again you give in. You want to feel accepted. We all want to belong!
At some time or other, we are all guilty of this. We settle for less so that we don’t ‘rock the boat.’ We make concessions even when they don’t feel right. We go along with things that we don’t fully support. We accept terms that don’t feel right to us. We don’t want to be the odd one out, the rebel, the one who is always different.
Well perhaps it’s time to be the black sheep. The one who has a voice, who finally speaks up. The one who stands out from the crowd.
Perhaps it’s time to start putting yourself first. Perhaps it’s time to start speaking your truth. To express your own needs and desires, no matter the backlash. Yes you may upset the plans of your friends or family and yes, they may have to compromise. But that’s okay. Your needs are just as important as the needs of others. We all have a right to be heard and accepted. We all have a right to meet our own needs first.
I finally came home, depleted and exhausted and unfortunately caught Covid on the plane home. I was now forced to rest. My body heaved a huge sigh of relief and said FINALLY! I had received the message but at what cost.
When it comes to your own needs, listen to the messages your body is giving you. Don’t try and compromise so that you are accepted. Accept yourself for who you are, whether that be the ‘life of the party’ one or the ‘I need an early night’ one. Our body is always giving us signs. If we don’t listen, they only get louder.
So when it comes to meeting the needs of others and their expectations of you, speak up and express your own needs too. Perhaps you can meet each other half way. Perhaps you can both have your needs met, albeit in a different way from what you had been expecting.
We are evolving and learning all the time and I have certainly learnt from my experiences. Forgive yourself for past mistakes. That’s how we grow. I know that in future, I will be more aware of my needs and what a holiday means to me, and I trust that my voice will speak up, just that little bit louder.
With love,
Judy xxx
Disclaimer: Please note that all information in this article is the opinion of the author and obtained through her research and knowledge and the above references. It is not meant to replace medical advice and a medical opinion should always be obtained for any health condition.
References: Photo by Kinga Howard on Unsplash.