A boundary is a defining or limiting line that clearly separates or protects a person or property from another. Personal boundaries are values that we have learnt or adhered to throughout our lives. They define what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t and determines what areas we take responsibility for. They are often not clear cut and sometimes become muddied as they usually involve an emotional response. However, for us to lead happy and fulfilled lives, boundaries are essential.
To put it more simply, boundaries are about how we treat ourselves and how we allow others to treat us. They are physical, emotional or mental limits that we place around ourselves for protection. We may keep a distance from strangers or people we don’t know to protect ourselves. We don’t hang around in dark laneways at night (hopefully) or go to dodgy areas by ourselves. We have boundaries around these things so that we are protected and kept safe. When we speak to someone we don’t know very well, we keep a slight distance from them. We do this to protect our personal space, our boundary around what feels comfortable to us. But when it comes to how we speak, treat ourselves or allow others to treat us, things are not so obvious.
Do we put ourselves down by the language we use e.g. I’m too fat, too thin, not pretty enough, not clever enough, not good enough? Or do we let others use this language towards us e.g. What do you know, you’re an idiot or worse, you can’t wear that, you’re too fat, too thin, not pretty or clever enough. To allow others to respect us, we first need to respect ourselves. Look at how you see yourself. Are you always critical or do you smile at yourself in the mirror each morning? Our bodies are amazing in how they allow us to do so much. We walk, talk, eat, think, feel, smell and see. We are intelligent, funny, creative and adventurous beings. Each morning tell yourself just how beautiful and amazing you are. For it is only when you really love and respect yourself that you will allow others to treat you with love and respect in turn.
Do you always say ‘Yes’ when someone calls or asks you to do something? Are you a people pleaser, someone who wants to please all others? There is nothing wrong with helping others as this is an essential part of being human, but to try and please everyone is impossible and downright exhausting. There will always be someone who doesn’t like what you do or how you do it. Don’t worry about them. That is their issue and doesn’t need to have anything to do with you. Help out when you can and when it feels good to do so, but learn to say no.
You must have boundaries around your own time so that you don’t end up depleted and resentful. Do you have friends that are always late whenever you meet up? This may not be intentional, but it shows a lack of respect towards you and towards themselves. By learning to have boundaries around their own time, they will respect the boundaries that you have around yours. Many people don’t even realise that they are doing this. The same can be said for phone calls. Do you know someone who loves to chat for hours on the phone? This is okay if that’s what you want to do too, but if you find this exhausting, gently keep the call short. Tell them you have things to do. If they respect you, they will understand. Be firm in your decisions. They may not please everyone else but that’s okay.
This doesn’t come easily and definitely takes practise. Running a business from home has taught me some valuable lessons. Firstly I would answer the phone no matter the time of day or day of the week. People would ring on Sundays or at 9pm or later, at night. I would work extra days just to fit in with someone else’s plans. I would grumble about this but do nothing. My boundaries were often non-existent. You see, I didn’t want to upset anyone. So I would answer their queries and fit in with them and end up tired and resentful. Not any more! I have learnt to respect my time and know that it is valuable and so is my family’s time. Once people see that you have boundaries around your time, they will learn to respect this.
Having boundaries around what you do is a part of loving yourself. None of us feel comfortable about setting boundaries. We all want to be liked and thought well of. However if we say ‘yes’ just to keep the peace or make someone else happy, ultimately we will end up disappointing ourselves. When someone asks you to do something, if you really feel too tired or uncomfortable doing it, then say no. If put on the spot, say you will get back to them. This means you aren’t committed and have time to think things through. Then you can gracefully accept or decline as you see fit. This action sets a boundary around what is good for you. Self love means that you respect yourself as a whole. The way you look, the way you dress, the actions you take, the decisions you make. You look at what’s okay and what isn’t okay with you.
Boundaries are intertwined with respect. Respect for yourself and respect for others. How do you allow others to treat you at work? Are you always taking on extra tasks that could or should be done by someone else? Are you always staying back late to meet the demands of someone else? Sometimes this is inevitable as we may need to stay back to complete work or meet deadlines. However if you are doing this all the time, take a look at what boundaries you have in place. Is it okay to always stay back or is it okay to say ‘no’?
Boundaries are necessary to maintain your own positive self worth. They allow us to have healthy relationships, maintain integrity and have control over our own lives. They give us a sense of identity, of knowing who we are and not relying on others for our self worth. By recognising our own needs, we learn not to put ourselves last, something that many women do on a regular basis. I too, would often do this. Everyone else was more important. However I have learnt that unless I have strong boundaries and prioritise ‘me’, no one else will do this for me. I am learning to put ‘me’ first. This isn’t easy but essential, if I am to be healthy and there for others.
Healthy boundaries allow you to make the right decisions for yourself and help you respect your strengths and abilities. They allow you to be an individual so that you can then respect and recognise the individuality of others.
How strong are your boundaries? Do they need some work? I think we can all make some improvements. Although not always easy, strong boundaries are essential for us to lead happy and healthy lives.
Please let me know in the comments below. I would love to hear your suggestions.
With love,
Judy xxx
References:www.essentiallifeskills.net
Photos: Pixabay.com